Good Friday just passed, and you know
what that means...steak dinner. My favorite yearly tradition. Every
year, on Good Friday, my friend Annie and I go out for a big meaty
dinner. Unfortunately, we've struck out a couple of times in our
search for new places to sin. This year's choice turned out to be
pretty uneven...Sparks Steakhouse.
Now, if Sparks Steakhouse sounds
familiar to you, and you live in NY, you may know it as the
restaurant Paul Castellano was shot in front of. Which brought about
the rise of John Gotti as the head of the Gambino family in 1985.
Right off the bat I was disappointed. There was no chalk outline.
No faded red blood stain. Not even an ancient shell casing. Quite
honestly, the biggest reason I wanted to go to Sparks was for it's
unique place in New York's history. As it turns out, that was also
the best part of the restaurant.
Sparks has a pretty nondescript kind of
front. It just didn't have any character. I'm not sure why, but I
expected something more. The interior, however, has quite a bit of
character. Not necessarily in a good way. When I first walked in, I
kinda liked the place. Deep reds and browns are generally what I
think of when I think of a steakhouse. That's exactly what they've
got going on here. The maitre'd that greeted us was in a tux. He
was extremely pleasant. Showed us to our table right away. Of
course, the place is HUGE. So there's no shortage of tables. But
then after being seated, Annie and I started looking around.
Everything seemed kind of dated. There are dozens of paintings in
faux gilded frames of trees hanging on the walls. The maroon carpet
has golden curlicue type things in it. The waitstaff bring out the
food and take away the dishes on rickety wooden carts. Keens is an
old restaurant. Delmonico's is an old restaurant. Peter Luger's is
an old restaurant. Those places are classic. This place is passe.
It's a little sad actually. Our waiter, Luis III (I checked the bill
specifically for his name) was borderline rude. Every time he
brought something to the table, you got the impression that he wanted
to be anywhere else. And by the time you said “thank you” he was
gone. It took him forever to notice we wanted him on the few
occasions that we did. In the outstanding restaurants, the staff are
always there when needed and just sort of fade away otherwise. It's
one of the great mysteries of the great places. They're like ninja.
But at Sparks, the staff is very much conspicuous. I don't EVER tip
less than 20%. Luis got double the tip and I really didn't want to
give him that.
First thing's first, what kind of
steakhouse doesn't offer a rib-eye or a porterhouse. You shouldn't
be allowed to call yourself a steakhouse if those things aren't on
the menu. It's my own fault for not checking out the menu ahead of
time. OK, I'll climb off my soapbox now. The waiter brought us our
giant menus and we were on our way. We ordered ourselves some
drinks. Being that I don't really drink wine, Annie asked our waiter
what wines came by the glass. Not much point in ordering a bottle
for herself. He actually kind of looked down at her and rattled off
a couple of wines with a bit of an attitude. He looked at me funny
too when I told him to use Bulleit bourbon instead of Maker's Mark in
my manhattan. We were off to a wonderful start. I will say, I've
never had drink come so quickly in a steakhouse. We didn't wait 5
minutes for the booze to arrive.
 |
| Not the most appealing looking piece of meat, but it was tasty. |
We ordered a crab-meat and scallop
combination that was broiled in butter. The crab was nice and sweet
but the scallops didn't taste like anything. Not even the butter
they were broiled in. We had mediocre Caesar salads. Although I did
find the croutons to be kind of oily, the salad was OK. Since there
wasn't a porterhouse to order, we both got Prime Sirloin. I will
say, these were the best part of the meal. They were excellent
pieces of meat that were only a touch overcooked. I only even
mention that they were overcooked because I'm being picky because I
had a problem with pretty much everything else we were served. As
sides we got creamed spinach, hash brown potatoes and sauteed
mushrooms. All of which tasted like absolutely nothing. The
potatoes and spinach had pretty much no flavor and the mushrooms,
which did manage a tiny bit of earthiness, were incredibly rubbery.
After dinner, since we didn't really
eat all the much. There was room for dessert. Honestly, I just
wanted a cup of coffee. But I figured why the hell not get
something. Maybe it'll be redeeming from such an underwhelming
experience. Along with the coffee I got a chocolate mousse cake and
Annie had some peach sorbet She said her sorbet was quite good. The
cake was mealy and I wish I'd have just gotten some from Aunt
Butchie's. At least the coffee was excellent. I like that they
brought you out your own little carafe. I did think it odd that
there was no regular sugar. There was Splenda, Sweet N Low, Equal
and Raw Sugar. Not that it mattered, it was just odd.
All in all, it wasn't really a great
experience. With a lesser companion, it would've seriously sucked.
Especially since we probably ordered the least amount of food and
drink we've ever ordered at one of these dinner and paid the 2nd
most we ever have. This really wasn't worth the price. No sign of
the famous murder, bland food, high prices and a rude waiter. There
won't be any Fat Kid outings here in the future.
210 East 46th Street
New York, NY, 10017
212-687-4806
