If You Serve It, They Will Come...Until the End of May That Is.

I love food outings. I love food outings more than I love actual food. I love having good people around me sharing food and drink. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat. My inner (and often outer) fat kid is alive and well. But it's the social aspect of the adventure that really makes it worthwhile for me. Without good people food is just food. With them, food becomes a meal. And meals are always worth sharing. In the last 10 days or so I've been lucky enough to share quite a lot of food with a goodly amount of fine fat kids. And I don't intend to stop anytime soon.

There's an event called Madison Square Eats that is running in the square directly across from the Flatiron building in big, bad Manhatty through the end of May. I strongly suggest that if you get the chance you bring your ass there and bring a friend or two with you. It's the only proper way to experience it. Split up, gather unto ye vittles from various purveyors of tasty goodness, acquire a worthy beverage and go the fuck to town. That's my advice. I've been there twice already and I fully intend to make at least 1 more visit. Before I get started telling you how these visits went let me tell you that I'm writing this from notes I took on napkins and the backs of receipts...so bear with me if it's not all terribly coherent. I'm doing my best.

On my first visit, I dragged Blake and Paula with me. Blake is always willing to cram his headhole full of charred flesh, gooey cheese and wild flavors wherever he can find them. Paula, is also ready to try anything, just less of it. She generally makes sure Blake and I don't wind up eating so much we're throwing up in garbage pails on the way home. It's likely not very easy to be Paula when she has to deal with the two of us at the same time. Our assault on MSE included a pretty tasty brisket sandwich and some incredible green chili macaroni and cheese from Mexicue. Don't forget to get yourself a decent margarita or a Fully-dressed Tecate (that means the can has its rim salted before they douse it in hot sauce and lime juice). This mac and cheese was so good I went back for it the next time I was there. (More on that later). Had pretty tasty Braised Short Rib Grilled Cheese Bites from Mason Jar NYC. I have a hard time passing up grilled cheese whenever I see it. And I'm glad I didn't pass this one up. We also grabbed a Pulled Pork Egg Roll, which had nice flavor but I thought it was a little dry. Then the star of the show, the Pig's Head Cuban sandwich from The Cannibal. How do you not get anything that has “Pig's Head” in its name. That was an excellent Cuban sandwich. Even the blonde douche in the boat shoes and LL Bean button down that puffed out his chest when he asked us whether or not we were on line couldn't ruin it. As a matter of fact, he made it better. The girl sitting in front of us completely lost it and hysterically laughed in his face. On a side note, I feel a little dirty admitting this, but knowing that the pork in my Cuban sandwich came from the pig's head kind of made it taste better. I know that's horrible, but it's true. I may need some kind of therapy.

One Helluva Riceball

My second visit was with Doreen and Stephanie. You know that if there's eating happening and I'm out with Doreen, it's going to be like invading soldiers rampaging and pillaging through the town square. And that's more or less how this went down. Stephanie, very smartly, just let us do all the dirty work while she considered some “noinky, noinky, noinky” with some bearded guy in a blue shirt. She's a naughty girl, that one. Wait, that sentence has all kinds of connotations to it, doesn't it? Whatever, take it as you will. We started out at the Hong Kong Street Cart where we got Fried Oysters with a Honey Sriracha Dipping Sauce and Pork Belly Bao. For those of you that don't know, bao are basically steam bun tacos and they're excellent when done right. These were done pretty damn well. The oysters were a bit overcooked and mushy. The honey sriracha sauce was amazing though. I licked the inside of the cup when we were done with it. Not that that's something to be ashamed of. Don't judge me, fuckers. Next we hit Arancini Brothers. They make riceballs...lovely, lovely riceballs. There was a Squid Ink with Spicy Shrimp Riceball which may have been the best rice ball I've ever had. It looked scary and evil when you opened it up and this fire red shrimp was hiding in a mass of gooey black rice. If hell was food this is what it would look like. And it tasted very much like sin. If you didn't already know...SIN is GOOD! We also grabbed a Carbonara Riceball, which was a tad salty for my taste but otherwise good. Stephanie seemed to really dig this one. Sometimes I'm just a little sensitive to salt I guess. I went back to Mexicue for more of the Green Chili Macaroni and Cheese (Told you) and a Pulled Pork Sandwich. I liked the pulled pork better than the brisket I had last time. And it just seemed necessary to share that mac and cheese with Steph and Dor. They were damn glad I did. We had a decent but not wonderful Lobster Roll from the Red Hook LobsterPound (if it didn't have bacon in it, it likely wouldn't have tasted like much.) and something called Bibimbap from Seoul Lee Korean BBQ, which was rice mixed with “stuff” covered in orange goo that turned out to be chili paste of some kind. That's not a very appealing description of it, but go eat it. It tasted pretty damn good. I just don't know a better way to describe what it looked like. This was good enough that despite knowing she shouldn't eat anymore, Doreen couldn't let the last bit of it go. (You've got to respect a woman that goes back to finish the last bite of something good despite her body telling her not to. Maybe respect isn't quite the right word, but you get my drift.) And lastly we tried some pizza from Roberta's. How could I not eat a pizza called Cheesus Christ? It had to be done. And was it ever done well. Sweet Baby Cheesus comes with mozzarella, taleggio and parmesan cheeses, black pepper and a drizzle of honey. You may think the honey is weird and to that I say...shut up. When was the last time you made a pizza? This shit was the goodness. The crust was both chewy and crunchy. I literally watched this guy hand char the pizza. It was pretty cool to check out. I've got a little drool coming out of my mouth describing it.

Sweet Sweet Cheesus!

Before I end this tale of indulgence and fun let me just say this. Madison Square Eats is a crowded place. Full of people hustling around, talking to friends, waiting on lines. Beverages and hot food are everywhere. Hundreds of people are packed into not enough square feet. If you're good-natured and have some patience, it's a fun experience. But it's really not a place for dogs or babies. Coming back to the table from some line of another I accidentally stepped on a lil dog being walked through there. I couldn't see the lil guy and the owner of that dog should be slapped in the mouth for having him there. If I didn't have my hands full of goodness I'd have slapped the douchebag on the other end of the leash for giving me a dirty look. And really, the same goes for the people forcing baby carriages through there. I get that you don't want to let having a baby change the way you live your life. But I'm sorry folks, having a baby is SUPPOSED to change it. If someone stumbles and spills something hot on your child in that crowded setting it's your own fault for being dumb enough to be there. Some things just aren't friendly to children and dogs. And don't even get me started on the assholes walking their bikes through there. You inconsiderate clowns should be covered in napalm and set ablaze, rotten fuckholes. OK, rant over.


When I get my ass back over there (and I will) I fully intend to try a Nutella Riceball from Arancini Bros (that is if there are any left), something from Mighty Balls and maybe the Italian Sausage from The Cannibal. Anyone want to join me on my return trip?