Mmmmm...Turkey

We're in mid-November which means holiday season is right upon us. Thanksgiving is just a couple of weeks away and that means turkey. In quite a lot of cases it means dry, cardboardy turkey and then a nap. Well, in my case, it means fantastic turkey. Not to brag (OK, I'm bragging) but my roast turkey is fucking excellent. Most of that credit goes to Alton Brown though. I stole his recipe with a couple of minor additions. The best part of being in charge of cooking the big thing, like the turkey, is there's not much to do with it once it's in the oven. Which leaves plenty of time to watch football.

BRINE

1 gallon (64ozs) vegetable stock

1 cup salt

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tbsp black peppercorns

1 1/2 tsp allspice berries

1 1/2 tsp candied ginger

3 cloves garlic, crushed

1 gallon ice water

Combine all these ingredients except the ice water in a stock pot and bring to a boil. Stir occasionally until the solids dissolves. Let cool to room temperature and then refrigerate. When you're ready to put the turkey in (if you're using a frozen turkey, make sure it's thawed) add the ice water. Refrigerate for 24 hours. Turn over once during brining.

For roasting the soon to be delicious beast you'll need...

1 apple, cored and sliced

1/2 yellow onion, sliced

1 cinnamon stick

4 sprigs fresh rosemary

6 sage leaves

2 garlic cloves, crushed

1 cup of water

canola oil

2 tbsp butter

salt and pepper

A turkey (gobble gobble)

butcher's twine

Preheat oven to 500 degrees. Remove bird from the brine and rinse. Discard the brine. Pat turkey dry with paper towels. Put the apple, onion, cinnamon stick and water in a microwave-safe bowl and microwave on high for 5 minutes. Add it to the cavity of the turkey with the rosemary, sage and garlic. Truss the turkey so it cooks evenly (and so it looks purty when it's done. This is a good video on how to do it. Thanks again, Alton.) Combine the butter with the canola oil and then coat the skin of the turkey with the combination and with salt and pepper. Roast the turkey at 500 degrees for a 1/2 hour. Then put a temperature probe into the thickest part of the breast and reduce heat to 350 degrees. Let cook until thermometer gets to 160 degrees. A good rule of thumb is probably about 15 – 18 minutes per pound. But it's always better to go with a probe. When you hit the target temperature take that sucker out of the oven and tent with foil...DON'T REMOVE THE PROBE or all the juicy goodness will just leak out. Let the bird rest for 20-30 minutes before you carve up that bad boy. I hope this recipe makes you inner fat kid as happy as it makes mine. Happy eating, folks!

A Hot Bowl of Warm Contentedness

Dassara Ramen

Annie and I unexpectedly found ourselves on the hunt for ramen Saturday evening. We searched high and low for a new place for noodles and soup. We've already been to Zuzu Ramen on 3^rd Avenue a couple of times. We'd heard about Narudo Ramen on 5^th Avenue and just haven't gotten there yet. We were looking for something a bit more special...or at least something we hadn't heard of before. And we found that at Dassara Ramen on Smith Street. Driving around looking for a ramen place in Brooklyn, Google didn't let us down and steered us there. The clincher was...they have the ramen burger. And we didn't have to wait on a ridiculous line in hipstertopia to get it. As a matter of fact, we didn't even have to wait for a table. We even got a parking spot right across the street from the place.


Once again we found ourselves in a restaurant serving ostensibly Asian food and not an Asian employee in sight. What an interesting trend. But, at least the wait staff wasn't wearing pajamas. Although, perhaps if they had been in sleepwear, they'd have been a bit more attentive. The clientele was an odd mixture of bitter, miserable looking hipsters (or Try-Hards as a friend has coined them), very jovial-seeming yuppies, Asian families(which totally threw me) and us. You've got to be doing something right if you're a white guy running a restaurant serving Asian food and Asians come to your place. That's a good sign right away.


The décor is vaguely Asian. There are some posters on one wall and a giant digital display taking up the other. The images that ran across that wall were quite interesting. There were car crashes, Spider Man, Powerpuff Girls, James Bond (at least it was the Connery Bond, so that's good), the Statue of Liberty...there was more. It was a bit overstimulating actually. For a little bit I couldn't stop looking at it. It actually distracted me from conversing with Annie for a minute there.


Let me get the negatives out of the way first. They're small ones really, but sort of important. The service kind of sucked. It's a small room, maybe 30 seats, and the waitress was moving around a lot. But she took forever to take an order. It took a year and a day after we ordered our drinks and then it was another 6 months before she finally came back to take our food order. If you run a small establishment, customer service has to be a priority unless your product is extraordinary. Dassara was good, really good...but not so good that it's OK to neglect your customers. The second thing is...you can't run an Asian-themed restaurant and run out of Sapporo at 630pm. That's just poor planning right there.

Ramen Burger and Chips

Those small negatives aside, the food was a big positive in making up for it. We started out with Steamed Buns Stuffed with Falafel and Hummus. This makes Mike happy. I love falafel and hummus. Put that in a silky and sweet bao and I'm a happy guy. The falafel was crunchy and spicy, the hummus had great flavor and there was just enough red pepper flake in there for some heat. They rotate what they stuff the buns with (yeah, I said “stuff the buns” ya fucking pervs.), so you'll have to take your chances. We also tried the ramen burger as I mentioned before. The noodle buns (buns seem to be a theme in this paragraph) were interesting and kind of good. A little difficult to eat, as they sort of fall apart after you take a bite, but what else could you expect when you make a roll out of noodles. But the star of that show was the burger itself. It simply burst with flavor. Quite honestly, I didn't need the gimmicky noodle roll...I'd have been thrilled to eat that burger on a regular potato roll. Word of advice, don't add cheese. It's not often I say something as blasphemous as that, but cheese just doesn't seem like a good idea. We didn't do it and we don't think you should either.


For our ramen, which is the reason we came here, Annie and I both got the Xi'an Ramen. This was ground lamb and sausage in a spicy broth with cilantro and a poached egg. I'm pretty sure I tasted some cumin and some chili in there too. Once you break open the egg and mix it into the broth, it's just a bowl of rich happiness. The noodles weren't as good as the ones we had at Mission but still they were good enough. There's just something about a big, steaming bowl of ramen that hits me in that happy spot. It's somehow satisfying and calming almost. When it's done and I'm looking down at a few drops of broth and whatever I didn't slurp up or getting get my chopsticks to grab onto, I smile and sigh contentedly. The only thing that could make the moment after finishing a great bowl of ramen better is a cigarette. But as I haven't had one of those in nearly 12 years, this is as close to content as I can get.


There was a bunch of stuff on the menu that I'd like to try eventually. There was a lamb bao that I'd like to get my teeth into and a mushroom ramen I'd like to slurp. They serve brunch there on Saturdays and Sundays and I could definitely dig into a bowl of breakfast ramen with bacon broth. Dassara also does some kind of smoked salmon ramen and chicken and waffles. Brunch must be interesting there. And as we know from my review of Talde...I'm a fan of brunch with chopsticks.


So, if you find yourself in need of warm contentedness, get yourself a bowl of ramen. And Dassara is a good place to find it.


Dassara Ramen
271 Smith Street
Brooklyn, NY, 11231

718-643-0781

Pumpkin Chili

Pumpkin Chili
1lb ground turkey
1 yellow onion, diced
3 garlic cloves, minced
3 carrots, chopped
2 chipotle peppers, minced (and some of the adobo sauce)
15oz black beans, rinsed
15oz pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie mix)
15oz diced tomatoes
8oz pumpkin ale (I'd recommend Weyerbacher or Shipyard, but use what you like.)
4oz pumpkin coffee (If you've got it. I happened to have some, so I threw it in there.)
canola oil
1 bay leaf
1 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp oregano
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp allspice
1/4 nutmeg
1/2 tbsp chili powder
1/4 ground ginger
1/4 tsp ancho chili powder
1 tbsp tomato paste

1. Add oil to cast iron dutch oven and heat on high until shimmering. Add turkey cook until browned. Then add the vegetables and season with salt and pepper. Cook for about 3 minutes and then add the assorted spices. Cook for another few minutes. Until onions begin to look translucent.
   
2. Add beer and coffee to deglaze the pot. Stir and bring to a simmer. Lower the heat to low. Add the pumpkin and tomatoes and stir in to combine. Then add chipotles and tomato paste. Let simmer for at least an hour. Go back to stir and check on it every 20 minutes or so.
   
3. After an hour, add the beans and stir to combine. If the consistency is too thick add some more beer. Let simmer for another 20 or 30 minutes. Let it sit off the heat for at least another 30 minutes before eating. You could probably let this cook as long as you like as long as you keep adding beer/water to keep the consistency how you like it.
   

This was fantastic on warm tortillas. It was also great the next day. The flavors really come together after a day in the fridge.  

This Ain't Your Mama's Chinese Food

The first thing you should know about Mission Chinese Food is be prepared to wait. The second thing you should know is that the food is really really good and is totally worth waiting for. This isn't greasy, Brooklyn style Chinese food (which is wonderful in and of its own right). You're not going to order a quart of wonton soup and a pint of beef mei fun and be out of there in 10 minutes. Annie and I got to the tiny lil walk-down store front around 6:45 and were told there would be about a 90 minute wait. Gotta give them this though, they're pretty cool about the waiting thing. The lil Asian guy took our phone number and said he'd call when the table was just about ready for us. Which left us to choose from one of the plethora of bars in the area for us to bide our time. We skipped past the “BRO” bar on the corner and settled in for a couple of pints at some Irish joint on the next block. When we did get seated right around 8:30 or so, the wait was up to 2+ hours and people were gladly waiting. As an aside, there was a giant gaggle of what we took to be “Woo” girls in the Irish joint. I became somewhat obsessed with the idea that they'd be on one side of the room and the Bros would be on the other and just shout “WOOOOO”...”BROOOOO” at each other. I'm still laughing at that image in my head.

When we were eventually seated I was struck by the fact that the only actually Chinese person in the joint was the “maitre'd” (Which is a real stretch of the term being that he was wearing cargo shorts and a retro Batman t-shirt.) All the cooks (you can see into the kitchen on your way into the dining room.) were white guys. The wait staff is all white girls...even the bartender was a white girl. I couldn't get over that our waitress looked very much like she just woke up in the basement and stumbled up the stairs and started her shift 15 minutes before we got there. She was wearing pajama pants and crocs and she totally had bed-head and covered it with a backwards baseball cap. Considering how small the dining room actually is, they could probably hold a maximum of 40 people in there, I was surprised that it was tight. Annie and I had plenty of room to enjoy our gluttonous ways.


Since we went to Surfish a couple of years ago, Annie gets a little excited when she sees beef heart on the menu. So we started with Beef Heart and Scallop Sashimi. I wouldn't have expected those ingredients to be almost refreshing, but they were. There was some citrus from I think grapefruit and a bit of heat from peppercorns. Quite good, although I wish there was more of it. But that will happen when you're sharing appetizers.

I want more dumplings.

Pork, Eel and Celery Dumplings in Red Oil were unlike any other dumplings I've ever had. They looked just like any other dumplings...but they sure didn't taste like any other dumplings. Completely fantastic. I like how they took something that is usually relatively heavy and lightened it without sacrificing flavor...instead the actually added more.


The last appetizer we had were the Pok Pok Pig Tails. How could I not try pig tails? It had to be done. The verdict is I won't be doing it again. As it turns out, pig tails are mostly fat and vertebrae...that's not good eating in my book. The Wo Hop-like tar sauce (that's what Annie calls the Wo Hop dumpling sauce) that came with the pig tails was a bit too salty for my taste too. Although when you got all the components together (pig tail, tar sauce, pickled radish) it wasn't bad but not good enough that I'd order it again. But at least I can now say I've eaten pig tails. I want to go back and try pig's ears. I wonder what that's like.


Since we went ahead and shared 3 appetizers between us, we figured we should share 3 entrees too. It's Chinese food (even if it was a very stepped up version), we could just take any leftovers home. So we started with Combination Fried Rice which had dungeness crab, BBQ pork jowl, pickled pineapples and curry. One day I'll figure out how to properly eat rice with chopsticks, but this wasn't that day. In the end I wound up using the soup spoon to get at the yummy rice. Overall it was pretty good although I thought the crab was a touch dry and there could've been more pineapple to provide counterpoint to the curry flavor. We took the majority of this home.

The Spicy Scallop Noodles needed some scallops. There were none. I'm pretty sure it was an oversight in the kitchen of some sort. But really, we were halfway through eating the dish before we even noticed there were no scallops. The noodles were perfect and spicy as hell. But so so so tasty. I knew it would hurt and I still couldn't stop eating it. Annie quit on them after I couple of bites. These noodles literally made me sweat. (Yeah, I know “literally” is now a meaningless word, see Steve and Mike Save the World – Episode 49, but I had to do it.) My lips were still burning an hour later and I'm good with that. When you manage to get the peas wrapped up in the noodles they provided a nice sweetness to counteract the chili oil. But here's a warning...you know when you order Chinese food and they put the “spicy” dishes in red on the menu as an alert. Then you order General Tso's chicken or something and expect heat and almost laugh because there is none. When Mission Chinese Food warns you that something is going to be spicy, they ain't fuckin' around! On the menu they have little flames next to the spicy dishes. One flame means “Spicy”. Two flames means “Very Freakin Spicy”. The noodles had 1 flame and they were VERY FREAKIN SPICY. They have a dish called Kung Pao Pastrami that has 2 flames and I HAVE to try that. I've just got to know what the second spicy level is like.

Such glorious soup

The star of the show at Mission for us had to be the Mapo Ramen. This was just plain wonderful. The pork fat broth when mixed with the broken coddled egg was just a bowl full of rich, almost pornographic goodness. The noodles, were again, absolutely perfect. I even liked the tofu, and no one in their right mind “likes” tofu. I gave some serious thought to just slamming my face into the bowl and eating it like that much like I'd imagine Animal from the Muppets would've done. I didn't think Annie would approve, so I didn't do it. But I wanted to. I almost regret not doing it. I wish I had a gallon of that soup to eat for dinner right now. Of all the stuff I ate, that's the one dish that I'll almost certainly order next time I go. I liked and/or loved everything else besides the pig tails, but I NEED to eat that ramen again.

3 appetizers and 3 entrees cost us about $50 each, not too pricey at all considering this is supposed to be one of the best restaurants in the city. Wasn't even that hard to find parking down there. They only take a few reservations and I think they have to be 2 weeks in advance. But who cares? Just make sure you allot enough time...leave your name and go knock back a couple of drinks somewhere like we did. AND if you really can't bring yourself to wait once you get there, you can always go around the corner to Katz's Deli. Or what we should've done, gone around the corner and gotten brisket or pastrami sandwiches to go for the next day...DAMN IT, why didn't I think of that then. Oh right, because I was completely stuffed. No big deal, if you can't tell from this review, I'll definitely be going back there again.


Mission Chinese Food
154 Orchard Street
NY, NY, 10002

212-529-8800

Carnivores On Patrol - The Big Apple BBQ Block Party

This is what carnivores in action look like.  If you couldn't tell, we're gnawing on the flesh of grass fed Vegans.

The troops gathered and invaded the Big Apple BBQ Block Party like a horde of hungry Huns.  Pillaging and destroying charred, smoky flesh wherever it was to be found.  Here's the story of our rampage through this meaty utopia.

Salt and Pepper Beef Rib - Blue Smoke, NY

 I did mention that the one exception to not bothering with NY stands was Blue Smoke's beef ribs.  They were still fantastic tasting but not enough meat, which is something not often said when eating a beef rib.  There's a lot of bone here.  I'm not saying you shouldn't get it, just understand what you're getting.  I'd say it'll be much better should you get it at the actual restaurant as you'd likely get a full beef rib.

Brisket and Smoked Sausage - Salt Lick, TX

Salt Lick's brisket was OK.  Not great, but OK.  Every year I miss out on this because they run out before I get to their stall.  This year I got to it and there was a 30 minute wait to get some...and that was with the FastPass.  I can't imagine what the wait time was on the other side of the stall.  Not sure it was worth waiting for.  The sausage was really good though.  I was a little disappointed here.  Dinosaur's brisket was much tastier.

Baby Back Ribs - 17th Street Bar and Grill, IL

There's a reason 17th Street Bar and Grill wins awards for their ribs.  It's because they're fantastic.  Completely falling off the bone.  Tender and smoky.  Excellent ribs.  And if ribs don't do it for you, there's a bit of boob in the picture to make you smile.

St Louis Ribs - Checkered Pig, VA

These were the best ribs we had...at least I thought so.  These were fucking fantastic.  Even the slaw that came with it was fresh and tasty.  Complete worth getting sauce all over your face when the ribs are this good.

Brisket - Dinosaur BBQ, NYC

This was the brisket to get.  I know in my rules for going to the Big Apple BBQ, I said don't bother with NY stands other than Blue Smoke.  I was wrong.  Dinosaur BBQ knocked it out of the park.  Every other year they've done ribs and I wasn't all that impressed.  This year they rocked out some brisket, and I'm a brisket whore.  I'd sell myself under the Gowanus for the right amount of really good brisket.  I'd consider selling myself for this.  The jalapenos and sauce added a nice counterpoint to the richness of the meat.  The beans had a nice kick to them too.





Pulled Pork from Big Bob Gibson never disappoints.  I get it every year.  And every year I'm happy to ear it.  The habanero sauce isn't nearly as hot as you'd expect it to be.  But still damn tasty.  This was the only pulled pork we got.  We preferred the whole hog we got over it.

Smoked Sausage and Pimento Cheese -
Jim 'N Nicks, AL

The thing I come to this event for is pimento cheese.  It's so insanely white trash and disgusting and it makes me ridiculously happy.  The smoked sausage is pretty fantastic too.  Spicy, smoky and flavorful.  It's probably best saved for last because the spicyness could blow out your tastebuds for anything else afterwards.  But I simply couldn't wait to get the pimento cheese.  I think I'll be making another batch soon.  Seems like a yearly thing.  Angry Grilled Cheese here we come! Use this butter on the bread and that cheese in it.  You'll be a happy fat kid.

Whole Hog - Scott's BBQ, SC

Our first stop on the BBQ adventure turned out to be whole hog from Scott's BBQ.  If you couldn't guess, whole hog is where they smoke the whole damn pig.  Then they cut that sucker open, chop up everything they can pull out and serve it to you.  Scott's whole hog comes with chicharrons, fried pork skin.  They add a whole new level of goodness to whole hog.  This was almost the best thing I ate today...almost

Whole Hog - Ed Mitchell, NC

Since Scott's whole hog was ALMOST the best thing I ate today, Ed Mitchell's whole hog WAS the best thing.  Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic!  I love Ed Mitchell.  I've taken pictures with Ed Mitchell.  If he had a semi-attractive daughter, I'd marry her just so I could be related to Ed Mitchell.  I was somewhat disappointed that he didn't have the smoked turkey this year.  Then I ate the whole hog and didn't care anymore.  That's the way it is was great food.  What you're missing doesn't matter, because what you have is all that does.





This was a great time.  I strongly suggest that if you like good BBQ, and I don't mean hot dogs and hamburgers, you get your ass to this event next year.  It's completely worth it.  You get to wander around for a few hours eating GREAT food and hanging around with your friends.  I can't think of a better way to spend my afternoon.  It just ended and I already can't wait to go next year.  Let me just say thanks to Dor, Zayra and Ugo for their company on this year's meaty expedition...and for a couple of pictures too.  I had a great time!

If you can't look at it's head, you have no business eating it.

7 Things to Remember If You're Going to the Big Apple BBQ Block Party

The BigApple BBQ Block Party is an event at Madison Square Park in NYC. They gather 17 of the best pitmasters in the country and feed us cityfolks some of the best BBQ available. It's going on today and tomorrow. I've been going to the Big Apple BBQ for a few years running now. I thought it might be a nice thing for me to share some of the things I've learned over those years. Things that make for a more pleasant experience while dining on the slowly, lovingly smoked flesh of dead animals. Here are the Top 7 things to remember while going to the BBQ Apple BBQ Block Party. (I left off “get a FastPass because I thought it was too obvious. If it's not too obvious consider that 1A.)

1. Horde napkins, wet naps and forks...you'll need 'em. You'll forget to take 'em at every other stand so it's better to just have extra.


2. Always keep a bottle of water handy. You'll be eating meat for hours and need something to wash it down with. Don't waste your time on the beer lines. They're long and you can only drink in designated areas in the park. Just not worth the effort. You can always take a break from eating and go across the street to Live Bait if you really need a frosty beverage.


3. Don't bitch about lines. We're all waiting. Put a smile on your face, talk to your neighbors. Maybe you'll make a new friend. You've already got something in common...you're carnivores.
4. Don't bother with most of the NY stands. You can get that anytime. Except the Blue Smoke beef rib, that sucker is fantastic!


5. Get a picture with Ed Harris...he's fucking cool!


6. Wear comfortable footwear. Plan on standing the whole time you're there. There isn't much bench space and going into the park to find a spot on the lawns in ridiculous. Suck it up and use your legs, that's what they're for. Besides, it can't hurt to be burning all the calories you're consuming as you go, can it? Don't be a douchey chick and wear heels to something like this. You're going to be standing in a crowd for hours eating...sneakers is the way to go.


6A. Leave your babies and dogs at home! I know you all love your kids and puppies, but they don't belong in crowds like this. Getting slammed in the back of my knees with a stroller or getting tangled in someone's dog's leash sucks. It's going to suck even more if I can't see your lil dog and I kick him accidentally or spill a plate full of hot ribs on your baby. And I promise I'll walk away from that encounter guilt free, because it wasn't me that choose to put your dog or baby in that bad situation. In the baby's case, maybe I'll offer a wetnap.

7. DON'T EAT THE BREAD! No reason, it just takes up space in your gut. (Yes, if you're at a BBQ eating event...you don't have a belly or a stomach, you have a gut. No, it doesn't matter if you're thin or not. You have a “gut”...accept that shit and move on.)

There you go, folks. A few helpful hints to make your day of carnivorous delight a more pleasant one. Hope I get to see you there with a smudge of BBQ sauce on your cheek, a bottle of water in your pocket and a smile on your face.

If You Serve It, They Will Come...Until the End of May That Is.

I love food outings. I love food outings more than I love actual food. I love having good people around me sharing food and drink. Don't get me wrong, I love to eat. My inner (and often outer) fat kid is alive and well. But it's the social aspect of the adventure that really makes it worthwhile for me. Without good people food is just food. With them, food becomes a meal. And meals are always worth sharing. In the last 10 days or so I've been lucky enough to share quite a lot of food with a goodly amount of fine fat kids. And I don't intend to stop anytime soon.

There's an event called Madison Square Eats that is running in the square directly across from the Flatiron building in big, bad Manhatty through the end of May. I strongly suggest that if you get the chance you bring your ass there and bring a friend or two with you. It's the only proper way to experience it. Split up, gather unto ye vittles from various purveyors of tasty goodness, acquire a worthy beverage and go the fuck to town. That's my advice. I've been there twice already and I fully intend to make at least 1 more visit. Before I get started telling you how these visits went let me tell you that I'm writing this from notes I took on napkins and the backs of receipts...so bear with me if it's not all terribly coherent. I'm doing my best.

On my first visit, I dragged Blake and Paula with me. Blake is always willing to cram his headhole full of charred flesh, gooey cheese and wild flavors wherever he can find them. Paula, is also ready to try anything, just less of it. She generally makes sure Blake and I don't wind up eating so much we're throwing up in garbage pails on the way home. It's likely not very easy to be Paula when she has to deal with the two of us at the same time. Our assault on MSE included a pretty tasty brisket sandwich and some incredible green chili macaroni and cheese from Mexicue. Don't forget to get yourself a decent margarita or a Fully-dressed Tecate (that means the can has its rim salted before they douse it in hot sauce and lime juice). This mac and cheese was so good I went back for it the next time I was there. (More on that later). Had pretty tasty Braised Short Rib Grilled Cheese Bites from Mason Jar NYC. I have a hard time passing up grilled cheese whenever I see it. And I'm glad I didn't pass this one up. We also grabbed a Pulled Pork Egg Roll, which had nice flavor but I thought it was a little dry. Then the star of the show, the Pig's Head Cuban sandwich from The Cannibal. How do you not get anything that has “Pig's Head” in its name. That was an excellent Cuban sandwich. Even the blonde douche in the boat shoes and LL Bean button down that puffed out his chest when he asked us whether or not we were on line couldn't ruin it. As a matter of fact, he made it better. The girl sitting in front of us completely lost it and hysterically laughed in his face. On a side note, I feel a little dirty admitting this, but knowing that the pork in my Cuban sandwich came from the pig's head kind of made it taste better. I know that's horrible, but it's true. I may need some kind of therapy.

One Helluva Riceball

My second visit was with Doreen and Stephanie. You know that if there's eating happening and I'm out with Doreen, it's going to be like invading soldiers rampaging and pillaging through the town square. And that's more or less how this went down. Stephanie, very smartly, just let us do all the dirty work while she considered some “noinky, noinky, noinky” with some bearded guy in a blue shirt. She's a naughty girl, that one. Wait, that sentence has all kinds of connotations to it, doesn't it? Whatever, take it as you will. We started out at the Hong Kong Street Cart where we got Fried Oysters with a Honey Sriracha Dipping Sauce and Pork Belly Bao. For those of you that don't know, bao are basically steam bun tacos and they're excellent when done right. These were done pretty damn well. The oysters were a bit overcooked and mushy. The honey sriracha sauce was amazing though. I licked the inside of the cup when we were done with it. Not that that's something to be ashamed of. Don't judge me, fuckers. Next we hit Arancini Brothers. They make riceballs...lovely, lovely riceballs. There was a Squid Ink with Spicy Shrimp Riceball which may have been the best rice ball I've ever had. It looked scary and evil when you opened it up and this fire red shrimp was hiding in a mass of gooey black rice. If hell was food this is what it would look like. And it tasted very much like sin. If you didn't already know...SIN is GOOD! We also grabbed a Carbonara Riceball, which was a tad salty for my taste but otherwise good. Stephanie seemed to really dig this one. Sometimes I'm just a little sensitive to salt I guess. I went back to Mexicue for more of the Green Chili Macaroni and Cheese (Told you) and a Pulled Pork Sandwich. I liked the pulled pork better than the brisket I had last time. And it just seemed necessary to share that mac and cheese with Steph and Dor. They were damn glad I did. We had a decent but not wonderful Lobster Roll from the Red Hook LobsterPound (if it didn't have bacon in it, it likely wouldn't have tasted like much.) and something called Bibimbap from Seoul Lee Korean BBQ, which was rice mixed with “stuff” covered in orange goo that turned out to be chili paste of some kind. That's not a very appealing description of it, but go eat it. It tasted pretty damn good. I just don't know a better way to describe what it looked like. This was good enough that despite knowing she shouldn't eat anymore, Doreen couldn't let the last bit of it go. (You've got to respect a woman that goes back to finish the last bite of something good despite her body telling her not to. Maybe respect isn't quite the right word, but you get my drift.) And lastly we tried some pizza from Roberta's. How could I not eat a pizza called Cheesus Christ? It had to be done. And was it ever done well. Sweet Baby Cheesus comes with mozzarella, taleggio and parmesan cheeses, black pepper and a drizzle of honey. You may think the honey is weird and to that I say...shut up. When was the last time you made a pizza? This shit was the goodness. The crust was both chewy and crunchy. I literally watched this guy hand char the pizza. It was pretty cool to check out. I've got a little drool coming out of my mouth describing it.

Sweet Sweet Cheesus!

Before I end this tale of indulgence and fun let me just say this. Madison Square Eats is a crowded place. Full of people hustling around, talking to friends, waiting on lines. Beverages and hot food are everywhere. Hundreds of people are packed into not enough square feet. If you're good-natured and have some patience, it's a fun experience. But it's really not a place for dogs or babies. Coming back to the table from some line of another I accidentally stepped on a lil dog being walked through there. I couldn't see the lil guy and the owner of that dog should be slapped in the mouth for having him there. If I didn't have my hands full of goodness I'd have slapped the douchebag on the other end of the leash for giving me a dirty look. And really, the same goes for the people forcing baby carriages through there. I get that you don't want to let having a baby change the way you live your life. But I'm sorry folks, having a baby is SUPPOSED to change it. If someone stumbles and spills something hot on your child in that crowded setting it's your own fault for being dumb enough to be there. Some things just aren't friendly to children and dogs. And don't even get me started on the assholes walking their bikes through there. You inconsiderate clowns should be covered in napalm and set ablaze, rotten fuckholes. OK, rant over.


When I get my ass back over there (and I will) I fully intend to try a Nutella Riceball from Arancini Bros (that is if there are any left), something from Mighty Balls and maybe the Italian Sausage from The Cannibal. Anyone want to join me on my return trip?