Keens Steakhouse Is a Carnivore's Nirvana

I was lucky enough to make a return visit to Keens Steakhouse last night. It's one of the most fantastic places I've ever had the pleasure of dining in. I get a little giddy whenever I know I'm going there. It turns out that I'm kind of an old-fashioned fellow. Great company, great whiskey and great meat makes me a happy camper. Keens always provides great meat and whiskey and I'm lucky enough to be able to provide great company. So in honor of my latest visit to Keens I figured I'd post what I had to say about my very first experience back in '09.

Keens famous 26oz Mutton Chop

Let’s make one thing perfectly clear. When I die I don’t want to go to heaven. I want no part of sitting at the lord’s side singing praises or whatever other crap goes on up there. When I die I want to go to Keens Steakhouse. This place has stormed its way into the pantheon of restaurants where I would never ever decline an invitation. And if I couldn’t afford to go that particular time I’d hock a kidney to pay for it.

As I’m jotting down notes for this blog on the little notepad they leave on the table, seemingly as though the wait staff knew I was coming, I’m listening to Blake contentedly sigh like a lion just after a kill. Blake, Paula, Doreen and I are sitting here in post-carnivorous ecstasy after devouring some of the best food ever served to us. While sitting here blissfully satisfied it was decided that it was necessary for me to write an ode to this wonder of culinary satisfaction.

Keens has been in business for about 123 years. The history of the place is all over the walls and even the ceilings. There are autographed pipes covering the ceiling of every room in the place. The waiter we had was amazingly helpful…he told me how to have my mutton cooked and picked out the desert for both myself and Paula. The lil water guy filled those glasses every 20 minutes or so. And the atmosphere in the restaurant was classy without being pretentious or stuck up. In essence, by the time the meal was over, we were in love.

Okay, let’s start with appetizers. We had a shrimp cocktail with some seriously monstrous shrimp and an awesome horseradishy cocktail sauce. We had an excellent crab cocktail that I really want to eat again. We had the best oysters Rockefeller I’ve ever eaten and lobster bisque (which was the only thing I didn’t get to sample. Blake inhaled it as thought it was water and he’d just come back from a 40 day trek through the Sahara.)

The brontosaurus sized
28oz Prime Rib

For a main course Dor demolished most of an amazing prime rib. There was no reason to even chew it as it just melted in your mouth. It was like meat flavored butter. Just outstanding! I had the “legendary” mutton chop. Apparently Keens is famous for their mutton chop and there’s a very good reason for that…it is ridiculous. I didn’t know what mutton even was until 2 days ago when Blake told me it was an older lamb. I’ll never eat regular lamb again and be quite as satisfied. This beastly chop of mature lamb meat was so tender that I wanted to weep with every bite. The scattered greens they put on the plate at first seemed pointless until I discovered something world shattering. The best salad dressing in the world is mutton juice. Blake and Paula shared the porterhouse for 2. That is a wonderful monument to meaty goodness. Even the sides we got were outstanding. The creamed spinach was perfect and the sautéed mushrooms were great. The hash brown was pretty damn good too.

Somehow after all that dinner-like carnage we found the will to get dessert. I should say the waiter subtly coerced us into dessert by placing menus in front of us. Dor seemed pretty thrilled with her dark chocolate mousse. Blake attacked his bananas foster with the fervor of a wolverine. Paula and I were guided into some kind of sundae with awesome butterscotch sauce. Even the friggin’ coffee was really good.

Basically what I’m saying is I can’t wait to go back there. And next time I go I won’t be dehydrated from drinking craft beers the night before this way I can try some of the hundreds of whiskeys they have to offer. You couldn’t have asked for a better Sunday dinner than great fucking meat and good people to share a meal with.

The before picture

Keens Steakhouse

72 West 36th Street

NY, NY, 10018

212-947-3636

http://www.keens.com/

As a postscript to this I did have a couple of excellent Manhattans last night, so I indeed did get to sample some good booze.  On another occasion I had the good fortune to try a 21-year-old Scotch that may have been the most amazing thing ever to pass my lips.  Just thought I should share that.

The after picture